Life with Naruto
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: Sasuke- "I live with the village idiot. Its an unfortunate coincidence that he happens to be my best friend, a brilliant ninja, and the greatest guy who ever lived."
1. the beginning of the middle of the start

Life wih Naruto

**Life with Naruto **

**I don't own Naruto! Though he really is a cute little kitsune…-coos over Naruto plushie- isn't that right you adorable ickle thing? **

**-Naruto is very scared-**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Hey Sasuke! Naruko thinks you're an idiot!" Naruto said smugly.

His roommate blinked, in the middle of lifting the trash bag out of its container. "Who the hell is _**Naruko?**_"

"My alter ego. You might say she's my feminine side, dattebayo," Naruto sniffed.

"Okay…so your feminine side…thinks I'm an idiot?"

"Dattebayo."

"How surprising," Sasuke murmured, trying a deft knot in the trash bag he was holding.

Naruto began to sing. "Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk in your hands?"  
"Um…throw it out?" Sasuke ventured.

"Touché."

"What?" Sasuke frowned.

"Nothing, teme."  
"Dobe, you're a retard," the Uchiha informed him.

"Yeah well Naruko thinks you're a sleaze!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes dangerously. "What did you say?"

"You heard me. She thinks you're a sleaze, and she says your hair looks like a duck's butt, dattebayo."

Sasuke growled. "Yeah, well your hair looks like you licked an electrical outlet!"

"What!? My hair was rated third sexiest in Konoha Kunoichi Weekly!" Naruto fumed.

"Yeah, well mine came second," Sasuke sneered.

They glared at each other, and then sighed.

"Can't _**believe **_Kakashi-sensei got first…"

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Naruto and Sasuke staggered out of their rooms, both puffy eyed, rumple haired and generally disheveled and grumpy.

"You look like hell," Naruto scowled as the other boy grabbed the cereal box first, "Dattebayo."

"So do you, and its your fault," Sasuke growled as his roommate took the Uchiha's favorite bowl (which was lime green and porcelain and white within and otherwise clean and don't you love rhyming words).

"What! I look like hell because I was listening to you being pounded through the mattress!" Naruto snapped, splashing milk over his Cocoa Puffs.

"_**Excuse**_me? _**I **_was up listening to _**you**_ pound someone through _**your**_ mattress!" Sasuke snarled, dumping 2 percent into his Cheerios.

They glared at each other hostilely. Suddenly, a loud moan reverberated throughout the apartment, followed swiftly by a shriek and a wistful sigh.

The two boys looked up at the ceiling accusingly.

"Hellafuck," Naruto swore, "Someone lives up there?"

Sasuke gaped. "Someone lives up there that has sex like that?"

"I'm going to see who," Naruto announced, and jumped out the window. Sasuke sipped his orange juice and ate his cereal, curiously glancing upwards when the moans stopped abruptly.

Naruto came back by the way he'd left, shaking badly. Sasuke lifted a concerned eyebrow.

"K-k-k-kaka-shi-s-s-sensei…" he stuttered. Sasuke gasped.

"He was…?"

"Dattebayo."

"And you walked in…?"

"Dattebayo."

"And saw…?"  
"Dattebayo."  
"You poor usura-tonkachi," Sasuke sighed sympathetically.

"Dattebayo."

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"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit…"

Sasuke walked into their apartment to see his friend jumping around clutching his crotch.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sasuke frowned, "That's not how the shit dance goes."

"I have to go pee really bad but I can't remember how to open the door!" Naruto whimpered.

Sasuke blinked. "You're _**not**_ that stupid."

"Shut up, teme!"

Sasuke walked over to the bathroom, snickering. "Watch carefully, and if you can't remember next time, ask Shikamaru," he said, referring to their neighbor.

He opened the door…and out popped Itachi.

"Sasuke! Gimme your eyesssssss!"  
"AH MOMMY SAVE ME!" Sasuke shrieked, "Chidori!"

Itachi dodged it, and it blew a hole in the wall.

"OHMIGAWD HE'S INVINCIBLE! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KILL YOU!?" Sasuke screamed, trying to use Naruto as a shield.

"Sasuke –snigger- give me –giggle- your goddamn –hehehe- eyes!"

Sasuke glanced curiously over Naruto's shoulder at his homicidal brother.

Since when did Itachi have pink hair?

"SAKURA!"

"Ah! Omigosh Naruto that was so worth nearly getting my ass fried!" Sakura laughed as the blond restrained her pissed teammate. "Sasuke-kun, you're so funny when you're scared!"

"I wasn't scared! Naruto dobe let…me…GO!"  
Sai stepped out of nowhere, holding a puny camcorder. "I don't get the joke," he frowned.

"DOBE! YOU TAPED IT!? I'M GONNA MURDER YOU!!"

Naruto smirked. Life was more fun when Sasuke was mortally humiliated.

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Teehee, two more chapters (I've got them written) and then I may continue if I have ideas.


	2. the ramen arc

Life with Naruto

**Life with Naruto**

**Chapter Two: the Ramen Arc and Other Random Fun**

**The line on the revolving door isn't mine. Uzumaki Orange isn't mine. The profile lines aren't mine…**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Naruto beamed at Sasuke.

"I go cross-eyed just thinking of you!" he said.

Sasuke arched an eyebrow.

"And what have you been smoking today?"

"Nothing!" Naruto defended himself, "I've just been eating ramen!"

Sasuke sniffed the bowl.

"Dobe, that's just uncooked spaghetti in_** rum**_."

"Oh," Naruto blinked in a confused way, "No wonder it tasted so funny, dattebayo."

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"Teme!! Where'd all the ramen go?"

"I threw it out."

"WHAT!?" Naruto's eye twitched.

"Naruto," Sasuke said, solemnly laying a hand on his friend's shoulder, "You have a _**disease**_."

"What!? Where? Oh kami why?? I'm too young to die!"

Sasuke scowled. "Shut up, I mean you're addicted to ramen."

"Your point?"

"I'm going to cure you!" Sasuke said with the air of one announcing the cure for bed hair.

"Oh great, I'm really gonna die, dattebayo…"

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Sakura walked into her teammates' apartment. Sasuke looked up and turned back to the TV. "Sup?"

"I just fought with Tsunade-sama," she said, "At the Hokage office. Unfortunately, my dramatic departure was completely ruined. Whoever said nothing's impossible has clearly never tried to slam a revolving door."

"Hn."

"Ramen…ramen…ramen…" Naruto rocked himself on the ceiling, expending kyuubi chakra.

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know?"

"No." Sasuke told her.

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"Naruto…what are you doing?"

"I'm going to suggest Uzumaki Orange as color to Crayola!"

"…Uzumaki…Orange…?"

"Uzumaki Orange: a color to bedazzle your eyes, dattebayo."

Sasuke scoffed. "A color to blind your eyes, more like."

"Teme, go jump into a cliff."

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"I've got a new philosophy on life, Sasuke!"

"Oh?" the raven haired boy put down his magazine, "Glad to know. Wait—does it have anything to do with ramen?"

Naruto twitched; ramen deprivation was really getting to him.

"No."

"Let's hear it then."

"People are like slinkies: basically useless, but still so much fun to push down the stairs."

Sasuke frowned.

"Ok, how about this: life is like a pack of gum…I've yet to figure out why, dattebayo."

Sasuke sighed. "You've been reading fanfiction,net profiles again, haven't you?"

"I swear to drunk, I'm not God!"

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"Naruto, what are you doing?"

"I'm building a castle, dattebayo."  
"Out of…?"

"Air."  
"Okay," Sasuke said slowly, "Dobe, you need a girlfriend."

Naruto sighed. "I need _**ramen**_."

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"OMG Sasuke look, ramen porn!" Naruto shrieked excitedly, pointing at the TV, where the Power Puff Girls were beating up Mojo Jojo.

"The hell is ramen porn?" Sasuke muttered, "You know what, pretend I never asked." Louder, he said, "Naruto, you're watching cartoon network…"

"Ohhhh yeahhhhhh babyyyyyyy…"

Sasuke's eyes widened. Maybe the whole cure-Naruto's-ramen-addiction thing had been a bad idea. Naruto was just saner with ramen.

"Dobe, lets go, we're going to get you some ramen. Fast."

"YES!!"

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"You're momma's so fat, Neji can't see through her!" Naruto yelled.

Sasuke gasped. "Take that back!"

"Make me, dattebayo!"

"Oh I will, usura-tonkachi," Sasuke growled.

-a few minutes later-

"Naruto, come take a look at my new Sims!" the Uchiha invited the blond.

"Hey, that one kinda looks like me! And…that one kinda looks like Sai, dattebayo!"

Sasuke smirked. "Watch what I can make them do."

Naruto's eyes nearly popped out. "Oh my god I take it back I take it back! Just make it STOP!"

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"Hey Naruto look at this spider—"

"AHHHHH! OMG MOMMY ITS GONNA KILL ME!"  
"—plushie," Sasuke finished.

Naruto stopped screaming. "Oh."

"Yep." Sasuke smirked evilly.

"Teme, I will give you three thousand yen to forget about this."

"Make it ten thousand and we'll talk," the raven haired boy promised.

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Sasuke read the list Naruto had been working on while the blond took a potty break. He'd been working on it for an hour—Sasuke just had to know what could keep his attention for that long.

Neji- byakuganpervert69

Hinata- i-can-see-thru-ur-clothes-lol

Sakura- lee's cherry blossom

Lee- Sakura's Snuggly Buggly

Shino- ants-in-my-pants

Sasuke- temeseme

Chouji- fartmaster

Ino- fartmaster's fartmistress

Sai- The Human Slate

"Hey! I didn't say you could read that, teme!"

Sasuke turned to his roommate. "Temeseme you mean? Just whose seme am i?"

"I'unno, Sai's?"

"...I'm almost scared to ask. What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna change everyone's sns, dattebayo!" Naruto said, hands crossed behind his head.

"Sns?"

"Screenames," Naruto enlightened him.

"I see. Do you know any of their passwords?" Sasuke waved the list in the kyuubi carrier's face.

"…No…"

"Do you know what Sakura and Ino will do to you when they see their new screenames?"

"…Yes…"

"Do you still want to do this?"

"…No…"

"Good fox," Sasuke nodded, "Wise decision.

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"Inuyasha! Osuwari!" the brunette yelled on the TV. Of course, she wasn't _**on**_ the TV, but rather _in_ it. Or was it _**through**_? No, that wasn't right…

Prepositions confused Sasuke.

Naruto laughed as the dog demon was pounded into the ground.

"OSUWARI! OSUWARI OSUWARI OSUWARI OSUWARI!!" she screamed.

"Idiot," Naruto scoffed, "That's what you get for messing with her. Kagome-san is almost as dangerous as Sakura-chan."

Sasuke glanced at the television. That _**was **_a female to reckon with. "So every time she says osuwari, he drops?" he asked with interest.

Naruto was pleased that he was paying attention. "Dattebayo," he nodded.

Sasuke tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"I should get you one of those."

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"Fear me!" Naruto yelled, popping up from behind the sofa.

Sasuke didn't even spare him a glance. "No."

"Fear me!"

"No."

"FEAR ME MORTAL FOOL!"

"No."

"Respect me!" Naruto screeched after a while.

"No."

The blond brooded over it. "Acknowledge me?"

"…" Sasuke didn't reply.

"FEAR ME!"  
Sasuke finally looked up from his iPod. "Ah," he intoned, "I scream."

Naruto smiled happily. "Much better."

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"All things white shall turn pink in the age of Jashin-sama!" Naruto yelled, "Dattebayo!"

Sasuke woke up from his nap, startled. "Excuse me?'

"I think its gonna catch on and be the new hallelujah!" Naruto enthused.

"What…"

"I'm converting!" Naruto declared, "To Jashin-sama-ism!"

Sasuke's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Eh?"

"Jashin-sama-ism. I was walking in the woods and I met a sage in a pit. His words moved me deeply," Naruto explained.

"And what did this sage say?" Sasuke asked cautiously.

"Get me the fuck out of here you fucking moron or Jashin-sama will kill you fucking dead!" Naruto recited.

Sasuke closed his eyes and pleaded to the gods for patience.

"Naruto…you're an idiot."

"Jashin-sama will kill you fucking dead!"

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Hehehe hehehe…Hidan and his cursing problem and his deity…


	3. birthday bonanza

Life with Naruto

**Life with Naruto **

**Disclaimer: Nah, I don't own Naruto. You want proof? Well! I wouldn't be sitting around writing second rate fanfiction if I owned the damn series, now would I? **

**Chapter Three: Birthday Surprises**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Sasuke breathed in deeply. It was good to be back in Konohagakure after such a long, hard mission in the Hidden Mist. It had been surveillance and espionage, and he'd gone alone instead of as part of Team Kakashi. He'd been gone a month, long enough to start missing even his usura-tonkachi of a blond baka best friend.

The Uchiha opened his apartment door soundlessly, not wanting to wake Naruto. Sasuke wanted _**sleep**_…he would deal with the insanity of his hyperactive roommate in the morning.

He was about to creep to his room when a smell and a sound caught his attention. The smell was food, his stomach rumbled loudly, and the sound was the soft snores of Naruto, and the louder, more guttural snore of Kakashi.

He turned to the living room. Sure enough, five lumps of living, breathing (snoring, in two cases) someones were arranged haphazardly around a large, desiccated cake. Sasuke frowned as he read the fractured icing.

"A-PY B-RT-Y –UKE," it read.

Oh.

Was it that time of the year already? Sasuke checked his mental calendar. Yup, it was his birthday alright, and apparently his team had celebrated it with a bang. He smiled. There'd been more guests, judging by the number of dishes in the sink, either that or Naruto hadn't touched the dishwasher since he'd left.

Which, come to think of it, was also pretty likely…

Sasuke's smile grew as he noticed the other, telltale signs of a party: popped balloons, crumbs everywhere, empty beer cans, a white purse in the corner of the room, forgotten…

…and a large pile of wrapped presents on the island in the kitchen.

Sasuke grinned. Sleep later, presents first.

But even before that…it was a cold night, and his team had fallen asleep talking, it seemed, as they were all without blankets. Sasuke rummaged through the dryer (at least Naruto had done the laundry, that was something) and set about covering them up.

A black comforter for Sai, green duvet for Kakashi, pink blanket for Sakura, white linen sheet for Yamato-san…

…and of course, a bright orange coverlet for Naruto.

"Teme…?" his friend stirred as Sasuke tucked him in affectionately.

"Go back to sleep, dobe."

"Happy birthday," he murmured, curling up, "Presents on the island."

Sasuke smiled at him. "Okay, usura-tonkachi."

Naruto's eyes shot open. "Sasuke's back!" he blurted out, and his friend winced as he was glomped, right onto Kakashi's sleeping form.

"Waugh!" the copy-nin bellowed in alarm.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura mumbled, sitting up.

"What's going on?" Yamato asked sleepily.

"Sasuke-kun has returned," Sai explained, perfectly unruffled as ever.

"Hello," Sasuke said, "Wanna open some presents?"

"It's 3 AM, can't you wait?" Kakashi grumbled.

"Sempai, be a good sport!" Yamato laughed, getting up, "Sasuke-kun, come on, let's open your gifts."

"Any food leftover?" the raven haired boy asked, "I'm starving."

Sakura immediately walked to the refrigerator, and began pulling out various dishes.

"Take your pick," she chuckled.

Sasuke chose a few cold cucumber sandwiches and a leg of duck. Sai snapped some chocolate pudding, and Naruto grabbed the last slice of cheesecake as Kakashi reached for it. Scowling, the older man opted for a beer, throwing one to his substitute captain. Yamato caught it through pure reflex, it was at such a wild arc.

"Mine first! No, last! First! Last!"

"Naruto's last," Sakura decided for him.

"Okay. Let's see," Sasuke said, reaching for the first gift, "This is from…Sai!"

He opened it. "Wow!"

It was a gorgeous painting of team seven.

"Nice!" Yamato complimented. The artist shrugged. "Its my forte, so yes, it would be nice."

Sakura scowled. "When someone compliments you, you smile and say thank you!"

"Yes, Sakura-chan," he said meekly.

"This is Shino's," Kakashi said, handing the birthday boy another packet.

"Ewwww," Naruto wrinkled his nose, "Dead bugs…"

"Crystallized spiders," Yamato corrected, "These priceless, they'll never decay. It's a treasure of the Aburame clan."

"Whatever, its still gross," Sakura muttered.

"Hinata's," Naruto offered.

"A moonstone pendant on a silver chain—a good luck charm." Kakashi noted.

"Kiba-kun's present," Sai said.

It was a four foot tall Akamaru plushie.

"How old does he think I am? Ten?" Sasuke complained.

"I'll take it!" Sakura squealed.

"This is from Gai-sempai," Yamato frowned, poking the bright green wrapping, "It feels like clothes."

"Hey, he gave me one of those when I was like, twelve!" Naruto said excitedly as the green skin suit came into view, "You should wear it, it gives thick-brows his powers, dattebayo!"  
Sasuke and Kakashi exchanged a Look. "I think I'll save it for a _**special**_ occasion," Sasuke said slowly.

"Tenten's gift," Sakura said.

"A gift card to the ramen stand?" Yamato wondered.

"She must have you confused with Naruto-kun," Sai smiled.

Sasuke threw it to the blond, who fell out of his chair to catch it. "YESSS!"  
"Neji got me a book," the Uchiha grinned, "A Preordained Philosophy on Your Destined Life."

"Just what you need," Kakashi said sarcastically.

"Kurenai…"

"A new kunai set, shiny."

"Iruka-sensei!"

"Word of the day calendar, cute."

"Anko-san," Sai pointed out a slim, purple package.

"A gift-card to PandG's?" Sasuke wondered. Kakashi choked on his beer. "Porn and Goodies! Gimme!"

"Kakashi-sempai…you're a pervert."

"You got him Icha, Icha Violence, the video game?" Sakura criticized, "That's stupid."

"Hey! Don't make me raikiri you!"

"Ino-pig got you…"

"A wristwatch, boring, dattebayo."

"Chouji and Shikamaru got you a gift together? What are they, a couple?"

"They're poor."

"A gold rimmed shogi board, Sasuke, they got you a gold rimmed shogi board. Poor is something they're not."

"Bet you Shikamaru forgot to buy a gift."

"Hn. Naruto, this is one thing you'll _**never**_ beat me in," Sasuke snickered.

"Gaara-kun got you an hourglass with silver sand."

"You opened it?!"  
"It was wrapped," Sai apologized.

"Temari's gift…"

"A Naruto doll in a kimono," Sakura giggled.

"Maybe I'll just give it to Hinata…"

"Huh?" Naruto frowned clueless, "Why would she want a doll of me?"

Yamato chuckled. "You're so stupid sometimes its funny, Naruto-kun."

"Whoa!"

"Kankurou got you a working model of Konoha!"

Kakashi whistled. "That boy could make a few of these and retire, I tell you."

"Sakura-chan's gift."

Sasuke blinked. It was bight pink winter set. He looked at his friend despairingly. "You made this?"

"Yup."

"Damn, that means I can't throw it away…"

"This is mine," Yamato said, a little shy.

"A book on ANBU history!"

"I heard you wanted to join…"

"Its great, I love it!"

"I think that's everyone…"

"AHEM."

"OK Naruto-baka, your turn."

Naruto beamed, and grabbed Sasuke's hand. "Its in your room!"

…

Sasuke gaped.

And gaped.

And gaped some more for the heck of it.

And gaped simply because he didn't know what to say.

What did one say to a life size 3-D collage made of Styrofoam?

"This is that time we kissed!" Naruto pointed out, "And this is when we climbed those trees in the Wave Country! This is when you were wearing that badass rope of Orochimaru's and I though you were his sex toy!"

Sasuke gaped at the ugliness of it all, and looked at Naruto, standing so proud. He thought of how much time he'd have spent on this, how hurt he'd be if he thought Sasuke didn't like it.

"I…its awesome," he lied convincingly, "I love it, thanks man."

Naruto beamed, and tackled him.

Sasuke sighed. The things he put up with for his roommate's happiness…

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

don't own porn and goodies, nyah.


	4. the sasuhime arc is in it somewhere

Life with Naruto

**Life with Naruto**

**Disclaimer: I totally own Naruto… wait, what are you doing?! No, don't take Sasu-hime away!! ARGGGH FINE! I totally DON'T own Naruto!!**

**Chapter Four: The One with the Sasu-hime Arc in it Somewhere…**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Luke," Naruto said solemnly, "I am your father!"

"NO!" Sasuke gasped, "I'll never turn to the dark side!"

"You sure? We have capes! And cookies!"

"Not for all the chocolate chip, macadamia nut goodness in the galaxy!"

"Then, young Skywalker…you. Shall. DIE!!" Naruto attacked with his plastic light saber.

"Bzzt, bzzt!" Sasuke yelled.

Sai blinked. "Sakura-san, is this what they call playacting?"

Sakura sighed. "No Sai. This is what they call cosplaying."

"The difference being…?"

"GWAHAHAHAHA"

"Dobe you baka! That's not how Darth laughs!"

"A little more insane, a little less mundane," Sakura smiled.

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"You will call me the Fear!" Naruto told Sasuke. The Uchiha appraised him critically. He knew letting Naruto watch so much WWF had been a bad idea.

"The Fear is what you shall call me!" Naruto repeated.  
"No."

"I am the Fear!"

"You," Sasuke informed him, "Are the usura-tonkachi of Konohagakure."

Naruto blinked back tears his lower lip trembling. "You're mean!"

Sasuke showed him the finger.

"I'm telling sensei!" Naruto wailed.

Sasuke sighed. "Tattletale."

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"Rawr!" Naruto said, poking his roommate. Sasuke tutted. "What now?"

"I'm a tiger! I have a tiger in me, dattebayo!" Naruto said proudly, poking him again, "Rawr!"

"Kyuubi's a fox, you dope."

"Oh. What do foxes say?"

Sasuke smirked. "They go…peeee-niiiiii-sssss."  
"Really?"

"Yep."

"Peeee-niiiiii-sssss…"

(Bear in mind it's an English word…and they're speaking Japanese, heh)

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Sasuke flopped onto his sofa, picked up the remote, pointed it at the blank patch of wall, and clicked.

The wall remained blank.

"Naruto?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Where's the TV?"

He shuffled into the room, looking guilty as sin. "I ate it because I was hungry…?"

"Naruto…" Sasuke warned.

"Or…I sold it on eBay for ramen money?"

"Naruto," Sasuke sighed, "All the chakra in the world can't fix what I'm about to do to you."

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"Sasuke, look! I brought us a cat!"

Sasuke blinked at the ugly grey mass in his best friend's arms.

"Why…"

"She was in the alley, all alone and defenseless! Kids were throwing stones at her," Naruto said, teary-eyed, "All alone…no one to care about her…no one to acknowledge her…just like I was…"

Sasuke sighed. When Naruto pulled out the loneliness card, it was too hard to refuse. "OK…we can keep her."

"YAY! I'm gonna call you Sasu-hime!"

Sasuke twitched. "What?"

Naruto made puppy eyes. "For my best friend, my first bond!"

"Iruka-sensei was your first bond, baka."

"Sasu-him! Lemme give you a kiss!"

Sasuke gagged quietly. He hated that cat already.

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"Sakura-chan!" Naruto banged on his teammate's door, "Sakura-chan, can I borrow some girls' shampoo!?"  
A sleepy kunoichi opened the door, holding a bottle of Herbal Essence. "Shampoos are unisexual," she told him, "Why do you need to come all the way down the street to borrow some?"

"I need girl shampoo," Naruto insisted, "I'm giving Sasu-hime a bath!"

Sakura's heart nearly stopped. "WHAT?!"  
"My cat, Sasu-hime," Naruto explained.

"Ohthankgod."

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"Sasu-hime!" Naruto scolded, "Don't shed on the couch, Sasu-teme will get mad, dattebayo!"

Sasuke looked up from the sandwich he was making to his roommate and their cat.

"…One day, I'm going to kill that piece of rodent crap as you sleep."

"Sasu-teme!" Naruto scolded, "If you lay one hand on Sasu-hime, I'll move out, dattebayo!"

The Uchiha scoffed. "To where? Who'd take you?"

"Sai, duh."

Sasuke glared at the smugly purring cat and pointed a knife at it. "For today, you live."

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Naruto crept into his friend's room. "Sasuke? Can I sleep with you tonight?"

The raven haired boy was about to tell him to go shove it, but something in the blond's voice stopped him.

"Why?" he asked instead.

"I got a call today saying I'm gonna die in seven days," Naruto sniffled, "I'm…scared."

Sasuke's heart melted in a warm puddle of goo. "Fine. But get your own friggin' blanket," he grumbled.

--oooo--

Sasuke rolled over…onto something furry. "REWR!" Sasu-hime shot out her claws.

"ARGH!" Sasuke screamed.

"Maple syrup with ramen?" Naruto mumbled hopefully, half awake.

Sasuke grabbed the hissing cat by the scruff of its neck.

"What is this _**thing**_ doing in MY bed?" he spat.

"I can't sleep without her!" Naruto snapped, "And don't hold her like that!"

"Pick! Her or me?!" Sasuke snarled, shaking the animal. She mewled loudly, pitifully.

Naruto snatched her away, and she began to purr. "Teme! She's just a cat!" he cried, running out.

"Where are you going you idiot?!"

The front door slammed shut. Sasuke leaped out of bed, ran to the hall, opened the door and screamed, "Well I hope that cat gets run over by a bus!"

His echo answered him, angry and vengeful. Sasuke glared at the world in general before stomping back to bed. He jumped as 'Numa Numa' suddenly began playing into the silence, then realized Naruto had changed his ring tone again. Scowling, he picked up.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sai said, "Its me…hey dickless, shut up," he added to the kyuubi carrier who'd set up a ruckus upon hearing the Uchiha's name, "Naruto-kun will be spending the night at my house. Good bye."

The line clicked. Sasuke glared at his phone, and huffed. But as he crawled back into bed, he felt a pang of loneliness because Naruto would not be snoring in the next room tonight, and it was all because they'd fought over a stupid cat.

--ooooo--the next morning--

Sasuke was half way through breakfast when he realized what was wrong—Naruto wasn't here. He sighed. He missed his roommate, and it wasn't even ten in the morning.

_Knock, knock. _

"Sasuke-kun, come in," Sai smiled. Naruto narrowed his eyes at his friends. Sasuke took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Lets go back home."

"And Sasu-hime?"

"…" Sasuke turned to the cat. "Sorry…Sasu-hime."

Naruto punched his arm in a friendly way. "I'm sorry too, dattebayo. Let's go, Sasu-hime!"

But the cat wouldn't come. Naruto tried to coax her with everything from dead spiders to fish to chocolate nougat, but she wouldn't move from her place on Sai's couch. When the ANBU Root member tried to move her, she just rubbed herself raw against his skin.

In the end, Naruto gave up on something for the first time in his life.

"It's ok, dobe," Sasuke said bracingly, "We'll get a puppy. They're way more loyal…and I actually like puppies!"

Naruto smiled at him. "You're more loyal then them all, Sasu-teme. I'm sorry, I won't annoy you anymore."

Sasuke laughed. "Don't say that—you're Naruto because of your ability to bug the shit outta me."

Grinning, they went home.

"But," Sai said, lost, "I'm allergic to cats…"

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Cats…are…EVIL.

Ok, no, let's not condemn the whole species.

Sasu-hime is...EVIL.

Heh, sorry cat-lovers.


	5. the one with no arc and the waiting

Life with Naruto

**Life with Naruto **

**Disclaimer: I no own Naruto, unless you counting mine Naru-chan plushie. Oh, and I forgot to mention this earlier too…the idea of calling Sai the human slate is not mine, its from a story called "Pick Up Lines" by…uh. I forget who, but you should look it up, it's a great one shot. **

**Some…stuff…with no real arc. **

**Die Hard not mine. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Friday night.

Team Seven's movie night.

And, regrettably enough (for a certain Uchiha, at least) Naruto's turn to pick the movie.

"No."

"It's my turn, teme, I pick Die Hard!"

"**No**. This is the fourth time you've picked that atrocity, if I have to watch Bruce Willis crack one more sleazy line I'll scream."

"But! Sakura-chan, isn't it a good movie?"

"…" Inner Sakura raged, HELL YESS! But Outer Sakura said, "Um. No."

"Sai, you like it, right!?"

The human slate blinked. "I have the lines memorized," he said, and no one was quite sure what that meant.

"Naruto-kun," Yamato sighed, "Maybe you should pick a different movie?"

"NEVER! Sasu-teme, I challenge you to a duel! Winner picks the movie we watch tonight, dattebayo!"

"That's a good enough reason for me to kick your ass," Sasuke agreed, "Bring it on."

"Rasengan!"

"Chidori!"  
Kakashi grabbed their hands before they could really get the jutsu going. "We're in a video store…RELAX."

"Maybe janken is a better way of solving things," Yamato suggested.

"One…two…three…JANKEN!"

"Hah! I win, dattebayo!"

"NOOOOOOO!!"  
00000000000diehardagainforthelinebreak00000

"Naruto!" Sasuke yelled for his roommate, "Hurry up, we were supposed to meet the team ten minutes ago!"

"I look so good, dattebayo," Naruto smirked at himself in the mirror. Sasuke walked in, and froze.

"The hell? Isn't that Lee's outfit?" he exclaimed.

"I didn't steal it!" Naruto blurted out, blushing.

Sasuke raised one eyebrow, then the other, and made them do the wave. "I don't know you," he said flatly, and walked away.

000000000whoooothewaaaaave0000000

It was a normal day in the Sasuke-Naruto household…

"NO! Inuyasha, go with Kagome!"

Or as normal as such a strange place could get…

"Die, Kikyou you whore!"

Sasuke tried to ignore the blond, working on his paperwork. "Baka."

"Oh, Sango and Miroku are so kawaii!"  
"T.T" Sasuke pulled a face.

"Gasp, Naraku!"

"That's it," Sasuke snapped, and turned off the TV.

"TEME!!"

"Go watch it elsewhere, dobe. No more Inuyasha under this roof."

0000000wellthatwasjustmean0000000

--LEESAKU INTERLUDE--

Please, please, PLEASE skip this if you don't like this pairing. I acknowledge that some of you don't. But I do, and I just felt like throwing it in here. Don't like it? Don't read it. Mosey on over to the next linebreak, sweetie.

"Sakura-chan!" the young chuunin said, "Please go out with me!"

Lee growled, but Sakura shook her head. "Let me handle this," she whispered. No more miss nice kunoichi. She was going to break his heart, having been patient the last month.

"Have you ever gotten drunk off a sip of sake?" she asked him.

He frowned. "No."

"Do you have a six pack?"

He squirmed. "No."

"Do you have a name that sounds like it belongs to the boxing ring?"

"No," he sighed.

"Do you have any supah-kawaii nicknames?"

"No…"

"Do you have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind, what I meant was, have you ever kicked the crap outta Uchiha Sasuke?"

His eyes widened. "No!"

"_**Can**_ you?"

He looked down at his shoes. "No."

"Then you're not for me," she informed him. "Oh," he said in an extremely small voice.

She hooked arms with her Azure Beast and breezed past. "Sakura-san," Lee whispered, "I would like to kiss you very much right now."

"By all means," she smirked, "Go right ahead."

00000endrandominterludeyaaaaaaaay00000000

"Sasu-teme," Naruto groaned, "My tummy feels funny, dattebayo…"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the bulge in his teammate's stomach. He lifted up the orange shirt gingerly. "What—oh holy crap! That's a hernia!" he shrieked, alarmed.

"Hey," Naruto looked down, "My tummy has a boner!"

"Ok, ok," Sasuke panted, "Its okay, we'll get you to Sakura…she'll know what to do, yeah…you'll heal you won't die, it'll be fine…completely and totally fine. I won't lose my best friend, you'll live…you won't die…it'll be fine, it'll be ok…"  
"I want to poke it…OWWWW!"  
"BAKA!!"

0000000lawlherniasaregross00000

Naruto slung an arm over his best friend's shoulder. "Wouldn't you agree? Baby you and me…got a groovy kinda love!" he drawled.

Sasuke pushed him away. "No we _**don't**_."

"Its friendship! Friendship! Just the perfect blendship!" Naruto sang.

Sasuke pointed the TV remote at him and pressed the mute button. Abruptly, the blond changed his tune. "So no one told you that it was gonna be this way…Your job's a joke you're broke your love life's DOA!!"

Sasuke put his aching head in his hands and fought the urge to chidori everything in sight.

These were the days he wished he'd stayed with Orochimaru.

0000000000hehfriendsthemesongkicksbutt00000000

"Mornings should be illegal," Naruto yawned as Team Seven waited for their commander in the chilly pre-dawn mist.

"Your face should be illegal," Sakura said, her teeth chattering with the cold. Sai chivalrously held out his cloak for her.

"I don't need that!"

Sai shrugged and retracted his offering. Sakura glared at him. "You're supposed to insist I take it!"

"But then I'd be cold," Sai argued.

Yamato made a tutting noise and gave his cloak to Sakura. "Sempai is so late," he sighed.

An hour passed. Naruto asked Sasuke if they could huggle for body heat, and got beaten up. Sakura beat up Sai to stay warm.

Yamato bore it all stoically, the weather and his charges.

Another hour passed. Naruto had dozed off on Sasuke's shoulder, who'd dozed off on the blond's head. Sakura had returned Yamato's cloak and was watching Sai draw Naruto and Sasuke as they slumbered.

Yamato sat down, moaning as his cramped limbs protested the movement.

Yet another hour passed. Sasuke and Naruto were in a decidedly yaoii position as they slept, and Sakura was going into convulsions of dismay at not having a camera. Sai crouched in the grass, mysteriously attracting butterflies.

Yamato flopped onto his back, watching the sun climb higher in the sky. "Sempai is really soooo late," he sighed, and his stomach rumbled in agreement.

Another hour slipped by. Sasuke had woken up and screamed when he saw how close Naruto was. They were sitting far away from each other now in a sullen silence. Sakura lay amidst the tall grasses in a bored stupor. Sai was teaching his butterflies to loop-the-loops on his command.

Yamato wondered if he was dead yet.

Kakashi popped into existence (or actually poofed, whichever one you like) and was immediately attacked by Naruto.

"You're so freaking late, sensei!"

"Yes, well, I had to save Iwagakure from a giant rampaging panda," Kakashi said, straight faced.

"That's a lie!" Sakura yelled.

"That's a _**bad**_ lie," Sasuke snorted.

"…" Sai was teaching his butterflies how to use the spacecraft he'd drawn for them.

Yamato got up. "Can we get some food before we head off on the mission?" he asked.

Kakashi beamed at them all. "No, because good news! The mission's been cancelled!"

His grin slipped away as four very scary faces turned to him. "What?" he asked, sweatdropping.

"…" Sai painted a screen between his butterflies and his team, lest the former be scarred by what they saw.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Kakashi totally had that coming to him one day…heh.

Iwagakure is the Hidden Rock…Deidara's village, un!


	6. the one with the hella long title

Life with Naruto

**Life with Naruto **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto Sasuke would be a good boy and stay in Konoha. Or not kill Itachi…or not randomly decide to crush Konoha…ok you know what if I owned the show a lot of things would be different (cough sasunaru addict cough leesaku addict cough saikicksass cough deidarawouldstillbealive) but I don't so let's move on. T.T**

**Chapter Six: In which it is No Longer Life with Naruto but Just Life in Konoha and rather too Naruhina-ish For My Taste and has Yuri with Drama Building up to Nothing and We Get to See Naruto's Shippuden Perverted Ninjutsu and Fangirls and This is a Hella Long Chapter Title Isn't It? **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Naruto threw a punch at him, but Sai sidestepped it casually.

"Pathetic, Naruto-kun. Dickless, and talent less, are we?"

"Shut up!" the Kyuubi carrier fumed.

"A-hem!" Kakashi coughed pointedly.

Naruto threw another punch, adding a roundhouse kick and a jumping full moon kick for good measure. Sai dodged the first two, caught his ankle on the second kick, and tossed him over his shoulder.

"Naruto-kun, you're abysmal."  
"I'm gonna kill you," Naruto snarled, his whiskers darkening, his eyes growing wild.

"Oh no, save me from the dickless one's wrath," Sai said flatly. For someone who was supposed to be socially clueless, he sure had sarcasm down pat. Sasuke bit back a smile as he watched Naruto attack.

As Naruto rushed him head on ("Baka," Kakashi sighed,) Sai stood his ground. At the last minute, he stepped to the side, and the blond fell forward onto the ground.

"Dobe, c'mon, get up!" Sasuke called out.

"Yeah, Naruto, kick his ass!" Sakura cheered.

Sai rolled his eyes as Naruto dove for him again. He stepped to the side, knowing the junchuuriki would follow, and punched him in the face. Naruto reeled backwards and sat down hard on the grass, looking surprised. His nose was bleeding profusely, and his left eye was strangely unfocussed.

"Concussion," Sakura reported, "I'm not healing him **again**."

Sasuke sighed, hauled his teammate up, and slung him over his shoulder. "I'll take him to the hospital," he said for the fifth time that week. Sai smiled smugly, and Yamato muttered something about teamwork going down the drain thanks to testosterone fueled knuckleheads.

000000000000000000

Sasuke, Neji, Naruto, Kiba and Gaara were taking a walk together.

No one was really sure why—Sasuke couldn't stand Neji who couldn't stand Naruto who couldn't stand Kiba who couldn't stand Gaara who _**really**_ had no reason at all to be in Konoha taking a walk because he was the Kazekage and couldn't stand people in general.

You may call me crazy, but I call it artistic liberty.

Ahem.

Neji froze as he sensed the faint kehai of a shikon fragment (heh, Inuyasha)…oh wait no this was something much, much, worse. He activated his byakugan…

"I see fangirls," he whispered, and all the guys went into defense mode as a pack of rabid lovesick females converged on them from all directions.

"Kyaaaaaaaa- Naru-chan you're so kawaii!!"  
"Uwaaaaaaaaah Neji-kun are you looking through my clothes??" (As a matter of fact, yes. But let's not ruin the boy's reputation, hmm?)

"Kiba-kun, lemme pet Akamaru!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Sasuke-kun!!"  
"SQUEEEEEEE Gaara-san!"

"Suna shigure!" Gaara snapped, but Naruto blocked it with his kyuubi chakra. "You can't kill them! It's illegal, Tsunade-hag will kill you!" he yelled as the first wave hit him, "Sasuke! Saaaaave meeeeee!"

"Hold on Naruto!" the Uchiha said as his fangirls tore off his shirt, "I'm coming!"  
"Run for your life, Akamaru!" Kiba screamed to his pet. The white dog didn't listen, actually enjoying all the attention. Kiba however screamed like a pms-ing little girl as a particularly needy fan ripped his shorts off.

Neji was safer, using his byakugan and the Gentle Fist to paralyze the females. But even he was overwhelmed—they'd clearly all banded together this time, all the fangirl associations under the sun. He also had the sneaking suspicion that he was no longer in possession of his underwear.

Gaara, whose sand had kept him safest, was at a loss for what to do if he couldn't kill the girls. His arsenal didn't have anything that covered incapacitate only. He suddenly had a brainchild. (Which is fancy English teacher talk for an idea! XD)

"Protect," he barked, and his sand rose up to envelope the five boys in a sphere of safety.

"Good thinking, Gaara," Neji panted.

"Naruto! Naruto!" Sasuke sobbed, "They killed him!"

The blond tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Uh, still alive man. Dattebayo…you're holding Kiba—he just passed out."

"Oh," the Uchiha said, dropping the spiky haired boy, "Couldn't tell; it was dark in here."

"What do we do now?" the voice of one of the fangirls reached them.

"Duh," another replied, "We go look for Sai-kun!"  
"Isn't he gay?"

"So? I'm not!"

And the heard the sound of retreating feet. "Wait," Kiba said, coming to his senses as Gaara was about to release the sand, "I can smell them. Check, they may be smarter than we think they are."  
Gaara opened a tiny hole in the sand, and a fangirl threw herself at it. His heart thudding, the Godaime Kazekage sealed the sand again.

"What now?"

"We wait for them to really leave."

Of course, nothing ever goes exactly according to plan, especially not to _**these**_ five in _**my**_ story.

Gaara's defense was _**total.**_ It completely sealed off the outside world—including air. While this was no real problem for Gaara alone in a battle, (I mean, he'd only use it like for periods for less than a minute) it was a very real problem with five panting boys trying to outwait some rather patient fangirls.

"Air!! AIR, dattebayo!!"  
"You're breathing it all dobe, stop screaming!"  
"Akamaru, this is the end!"

"Arf!"  
"Yeah, for me anyway you traitorous mutt!"

"What an awful way to go, I so did not think _**this**_ was my destiny…"

"…" Gaara sighed, regretting the action immediately as it drove up the carbon dioxide content up a notch. "I'm releasing the jutsu," he warned, and let the sand fall away.

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Naru-chan!"

"Neji-kun!"

"Gaara-san!"

"Kiba-kun!!"

Suddenly, five blurs appeared from nowhere and commenced beating up the fangirls.

"Mind-body SWITCH!"

"Byakugan!"

"Scroll bomb!"

"Dai Kamaitachi no Jutsu!"

"Die, bitches!!"

"Ino." Sasuke blinked.

"Hinata!" Kiba whooped.

"Temari!" Neji yelled.

"Onee-san," Gaara sighed.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto hollered.

"You're welcome, boys," Sakura said, a little out of breath. Tenten

rolled up her scrolls smartly, and Temari chased the remaining fans away on her…well, fan. Ino returned to her body and Hinata blushed.

"Hey," Sasuke said suspiciously to Ino and Sakura, "Hold on, you're

my bitches—I mean fangirls!"

Sakura snorted. "Not anymore, Uchiha."  
Ino shrugged. "We kinda suspect you of being gay, and much less

Emo than you seemed."

"Thanks a lot, Hinata!" Naruto said, hugging the heiress. The Hyuuga promptly fainted. Kiba sighed. "Akamaru and I'll take her to her house," he said.

Neji nodded to Tenten. "I owe you one."

Temari whooshed back. "Ready to go home, otouto?" she smirked.

"Yes," Gaara said, and they disappeared, one on her fan, the other on his sand cloud.

Sasuke blinked. Ino and Sakura looked at him expectantly. He sighed. "Thanks."

"Anytime, Uchiha. Anytime at all."

000000ooootheyuriarc0000000000

When Sasuke woke up one morning, he realized that he was feeling uncharacteristically charitable towards his roommate.

"I should do something nice for him," he muttered to himself, "Ah! I know, I'll get Hinata to spend the day with him, maybe something will finally happen between them!"

(A thousand naruhina anti-fans including the authoress cursed the Uchiha to a particularly needy fangirl.) Sasuke, oblivious to his fate, wrote Naruto a note and left to find the white eyed blusher.

"Yo, Hinata!" he called to her when he did. She turned, smiling. Sasuke couldn't help but noticing how worryingly pale she was, but then realized it was because he only ever saw her when he was with Naruto, and when Naruto was near Hinata, Hinata blushed.

"I have a mission today, can you watch Naruto for me?" he asked, throwing her his key to the apartment.

"W-w-watch N-n-Naruto kun?" she stammered. Ah, there was the patented blush, right on cue.

"Yeah, y'know, so he doesn't kill himself or set the house on fire or flood the village or call down the Devil's wrath or—"

"I think she gets it. Why? Because you made it very clear," Shino said. (A/N: Yeah, can't write Shino's way of talking, which is why he doesn't show up much in my stories)

"Oh."  
Hinata nodded. "I'll w-w-watch over N-N-N-Naruto-kun."

-like, sometime later, lawlness-

Sasuke came back home in the evening, and to his surprise, Naruto was playing Icha, Icha Violence on the PSP in his boxers. Well, that wasn't what surprised him, what did was that Hinata was in the adjacent couch, out like a light.

Sasuke sighed. "What happened here?"

"She was here when I got out of my shower, dattebayo," he said, "I

was in my towel and said hi, and she fainted! So I put her on the couch, put on clothes, and waited for her to wake up. But every time she does, she faints again. I'm hungry, dattebayo," he added, "I couldn't leave her alone and there's no freaking ramen in the house."

"There're about a thousand other things to eat though," Sasuke pointed out, picking up Hinata bridal style.

"Whatcha gonna do with her?" Naruto asked, a perverted gleam in her eye.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Grow up, dobe, I'm taking her to Kurenai-san!"

"Oh. Boring, dattebayo. Have fun," Naruto said, his attention back on the video game. His roommate gritted his teeth. This was the absolute last time he would ever try to set an idiot like Naruto up with a girl. Ever.

000000000theyuriarcfinallybegins0000000000

"HEY TEME I'M HOME!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke shrieked, dropped the book he was reading, fell off the couch and scrambled upright in ten seconds flat, with a blush that could've put Hinata to shame.

"…Teme? Are you okay? Whatcha reading?"

"Uh…n-nothing! I mean…I'm studying for a test! Yeah that's right, a test!"

Naruto wasn't so_** stupidly**_ oblivious. Well actually, he was. "OH, really?" he asked brightly, "Can I help?"

"NO!" the Uchiha shouted, going white, "Uh, I have to go, Naruto…bye!"

"Hey Sasuke—you forgot your book!" Naruto called out, but his friend was long gone.

"Well that was weird," he muttered, "Dattebayo…wonder what he was reading?"

He picked up the book and began to read.

_Tina walked into Nari's house, full of passionate desire. She wanted the blonde with all her might. _

_"Nari!"_

_The younger girl whirled around at the sound of her name. Tina's full pink lips were on hers, suddenly, and she felt a wonderful fire bloom in her stomach and burst in her heart, and she wanted more, more—_

His eyes grew wide. He dropped the book as though it was on fire and ran to the sanctuary of Sakura's house.

"SASUKE'S A PERVERT!!"

-some time later-

Sasuke returned to find the house quiet. He found Icha, Icha Yuri exactly where he'd dropped it, and sighed. It appeared that Naruto's aversion to printed words had won out over his curiosity.

"Hey Sasu-teme!" Naruto trilled, startling the taller boy, "All ready for that test?"

"What? Oh…ah, actually, I need to study some more."  
Naruto beamed and hugged the boy tightly, patting his back

thoroughly. "Study hard, best friend!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Naruto…down boy, down."

He walked towards the door. "I can study better outdoors," he muttered. Naruto waited until the door clicked shut, then dove for the phone.

"Sakura-chan, phase A was a success, dattebayo!"  
Sakura signaled to Sai to get the camera. "OK, Naruto, meet us at point C!"

"Roger," Naruto replied, and hung up.

"I still don't get it," Sai commented, "Why is pasting a piece of paper saying 'Yuri makes the ero-baka in me drool' to Sasuke-kun's back so funny?"

"Shut up and get ready," Sakura giggled, "This is gonna be one hell of a prank."  
-dun dun dun-

Kakashi's eyes widened as he glanced back at Sasuke. He opened his mouth to tell his favorite student what he saw, but a hand snaked over his mask.

"Sensei, if you stay quiet, I'll give you the book Sasu-teme is reading, dattebayo."

Kakashi pulled away from the Kyuubi junchuuriki. "My student's pride and reputation for a book? Are you kidding me?"

It's Icha, Icha Yuri," Yamato grinned, holding another camcorder identical to the one Sai possessed, training it on the Uchiha's back and at people's reaction to what was written there.

"Done deal, what do you want me to do?"  
"Stay quiet," Naruto repeated, throwing him a tiny digital camera, "And take a lot of pictures when the show starts."

-ok now I'm all excited about what's happening-

Point C: the dock. Sasuke's favorite thinking spot.

Sakura was watching him, suppressing her chakra, from a nearby tree. Sai had painted himself into intangibility and was hiding in the water.

Sasuke was lying on the dock's slats on his stomach, his shirt pushed up a bit so he could savor the warmth of the wood on his skin, reading his…textbook…(sure, let's humor the kid).

"SASUKE!" Naruto screamed suddenly, bursting out of the water, "Take this!! Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! Oiroke Style: ORGY!!"

A hundred (or possibly more) Sasukes appeared out of thin air, and surrounding them were about three to four hundred of the most beautiful women the Uchiha had ever seen…and, well, I'll leave the what they were doing part up to your imaginations, just to keep the rating T, shall I? A few clung to the real Sasuke, cooing over his hair.

There just wasn't enough blood in the poor bugger's body to produce a nosebleed worthy of the scene, but Sasuke tried his best.

Sai twitched. So this was why Naruto had insisted it be Sakura and him who covered this phase: Yamato taichou and Kakashi the ero-sensei would have been far too busy gawking to fulfill the mission. The emotionless boy and the yaoii fangirl wouldn't be affected, however. You had to hand it to Naruto, he was a genius prankster.

Naruto released the jutsu after a few minutes, and Sasuke deathglared at him.

"DOBE!!"

"Come and get me, UKE!"

-elsewhere-

Point B: Konohagakure's TV tower station. Kakashi handed the bewildered in-charge the tape.

"This has…"

"Yep."

"And there's another one…"

"Yep."

"And you're letting Leaf TV…"

"Yep."

The in-charge threw his arms around the Copy Nin. "OH, THANK YOU!! THE RATINGS WILL SOAR!!"  
"Please get off," Kakashi said, "The second one will be arriving shortly. Turn on the big screen."  
-elsewhere again!-

Point D: a cluster of trees in Konoha's town square, with a beautiful view of the shinobi village's recently acquired giant screen positioned on the clock tower.

Yamato checked his handy cam.

"Sakura," he said into his mike, "All set."

"Roger," the kunoichi replied, "Phase 3 was a success. Phase 4 is in action. Bait is leading target to your location, over."

Yamato nodded. "Kakashi-sempai, is everything ready?"

"All systems are apple green code 28282374 GO," Kakashi giggled.

"…"  
"Yamato?"

"Sempai, you're an idiot."  
-I don't know where we are…-

"Teme! Wait!" Naruto stopped abruptly and held up a palm to Sasuke's face. The Uchiha stopped out of sheer shock.

"W-what?" he panted.

"Touch me and die," Naruto smirked, pointing at the big screen.

Sasuke's eyes widened. There, for all the Hidden Leaf to see, was the promo for the 'Itachi' Incident.

Sakura and Sai popped into the park/glade/area. "We recorded the dock thing too," the kunoichi gloated, "And people laughing behind your back and what we put there."

"What…"

Kakashi and Yamato stepped out of their hiding places. "Now you have to do what we say…closer pervert, or risk staining the good name of Uchiha!"

Naruto added, "Dattebayo!"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed, then grew extremely sad. "Naruto…I can't believe you'd do something like this. I never though you'd go so far as to _**sell**_ your best friend's pride."

"Sell…best friend…?" Naruto frowned. Sasuke had never acknowledged their friendship in words before. "Best friend…"

"Yes, you're my best friend, or so I thought," Sasuke said bitterly. Naruto's eyes grew big and teary and freakishly chibi-like.

"Sasuke…"

"I always thought of you as my most precious bond. You'd never betray me, I thought. You were there through everything…and now, you're gone and stomped on that trust…ex-best friend."  
Naruto gasped. "No!" he ran to Sasuke and hugged him. "Friend!" he yelled, "Friend!"

Sasuke pushed him away as the rest of the team sweatdropped. "Friends don't do mean things do their friends."

"No!" Naruto yelled again," Sakura-chan, burn the tapes!"

"What?" she gasped.

"But—" Kakashi objected.

"Naruto-kun—" Yamato gaped.

"Burn all the tapes!" Naruto insisted, tears streaming down his face, "Friends don't do mean things to their friends!"

Sai shrugged and zipped away to oblige.

"Naruto…" Sasuke said, his lower lip trembling, "You…did that for me? Naruto…"

"Sasuke…"

Naruto!"

"Sasuke!"

"NARUTO!"

"SASUKE!"

Gai and Lee watched as they ran to each other in slow motion and hugged with one foot sticking in the air. Gai wiped away a tear. "Ah, the vigor of youthfulness."

Lee's eyes shone like diamond studded stars. "Sensei! We must add to the youthfulness!" he said, and they cast their golden-sunset-waves-crashing-upon-the-rocks-dolphins-breaching-in-the-distance backdrop for the duo.

"YAY YOUTH!"  
"Come on Naruto," Sasuke smiled, "Let's go get you some ramen!"  
Sakura scowled. "That was all just an act, wasn't it? There's no way in hell you just hugged Naruto out of your own volition with_** that**_ backdrop."

Sasuke waited till the oblivious blond turned the corner. "You bet your ass it was," he growled, "DOBE. IS. A DEAD MAN."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**About Naru-chan's pervert ninjutsu…it's not very creative, but then again, I'm not very creative. Submit any better ideas you might have, it'll be fun to read them! **

**OH, I almost forgot…to the anonymous reviewer tactless and proud of it: …my brain is not squishy. T.T and my imagination is already betrothed to my creativity XD –evil cackle- annnnd I hope (assume?) that your bad streak/time has passed by now, as you read this very, very delayed review reply. –nervous giggle- **

**Naruto: Your imagination is already betrothed to your creativity?? Lame…**

**Me: ferme tu avant je me viole avec ma cane, ma kawaii-kitsune. **


	7. it's over!

Life with Naruto

**Life with Naruto **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, so please don't sue me, I'm poor enough as it is! –cries over the fact that she can't buy Johnny Depp-**

**Author's Note: I did a time skip! They're all forty or thereabouts now…don't ask me what age they were earlier, I have no idea. Oh, and if they're acting immature, it's cause they're no fun to write as adults. Pretend that they're all still teens on the inside. XD enjoy! **

**Chapter Six: The One Where It's Over and It's Naruto's Birthday**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Naruto's eyes fluttered open. Sasuke was sitting on him.

"Teme?" he muttered, "The hell?"

"Happy Birthday, Dobe!" the man yelled, and a dozen or so people popped into the room, toting balloons and streamers and party poppers and other merry-making paraphernalia.

Naruto rubbed at his eyes, his hands curled paw-like. "After thirty, it's not happy anymore," he groused, "And get _**off**_ me man!"

His best friend grinned. "C'mon, Naruto! It's not everyday you turn forty! We figured out a way to make it special for you too! We're having a competition to see who can get you the best gift!"

Naruto sat up, yawning. "What does the winner get?"

"They get to pick one of the other gifts to take!"

The junchuuriki blinked. "The…**hell**?"

"Up, get up!" Sasuke crowed, "This is gonna be awesome!"

"Relax!" Naruto laughed, amused at how Sasuke was the hyper one for once, "I'm getting up, dattebayo."

**-an hour later-**

"OK!" Naruto yelled, pumped on a sugary birthday breakfast, "Bring on the gifts!"

Sasuke shook his head. "First: Team Seven goes for a movie. Then: we go for lunch. Third: everyone comes over, party at our place. After dinner, we do the presents, and then we party some more!"

**-at the movies-**

"This movie…is retarded," Sakura sighed.

"I should've known better if Kakashi-sempai was picking," Yamato chuckled, "Icha, Icha the Movie indeed."

"…" Sai had his eyes glued to the screen. He was learning _**so much**_ about relationships!

Kakashi drooled a little. "It's just like I imagined it," he whispered, "Thank you, kami-sama of all adult fiction!"  
Naruto wrinkled his nose. "Teme, I judge your judgment."  
Sasuke groaned. "Kick me the next time I ask Kakashi-sensei to book tickets, just kick me."

**-at lunch-**

They'd convinced the blond to go to an actual restaurant instead of the ramen bar, but…

"I'd like two-three-no, four bowls of ramen, please!"

"You can take the ramen away from the baka," Sasuke muttered, "But you can't take the baka away from the ramen."  
Sai frowned. "That…made no sense."

"Shut up, Sai," Sakura scowled, "And eat your sushi."

"Yes, ugly do- um, Sakura-chan."

Yamato glanced at his sempai. "Kakashi-sempai…? Aren't you going to order?"  
The Copy Nin had a glazed look on his face. "Icha…Icha…awesomeness…"

**-at the party-**

"Yamato-kouhai," Kakashi sighed, "Do you ever get the feeling that you're growing old?"

Yamato stared at him blankly. "EH?" he yelled over the music, "Speak up, my earplugs are filtering you out!"  
"Oh, Sai-kun," Karin simpered, "You're so charming!"

Sai, who'd done nothing but pour her tequila, smiled in a confused way. Sasuke observed the pair from a distance. "You remember back when she was my fangirl?" he chortled to Suigetsu, "I wonder what she's gonna do when she finds out he's gay."  
The water nin nodded absent mindedly. "Have you seen Juugo around—"

"KILL!!"  
"Never mind, I found him."  
"Sakura-san—"

"No."

"But Sakura-san—"

"I said _**no**_, Lee, I will not join you in the Joyous Dance of Youthfulness!"

He sighed dejectedly. "Then will you tango with me?"

"Sure!"

Naruto bobbed his head to the music, sipping a margarita. Hinata approached him. "Hey Hinata! Sup?"

"Ah! N-N-N-Naruto-kun, I w-w-was wondering if m-maybe you'd like t-t-to dance—"

Naruto looked over her shoulder. "Oh my freaking god!" he shouted, "Neji's _**plastered**_! C'mon Hinata, let's go look!"

The Hyuuga heiress followed with a sigh. Oh well. There was always next time.

**-at dinner-**

The toasts were flying fast and thick.

"To-hic-Naruto's freakishly blond hair!" Sakura said, raising her glass.

"To Sakura-san's beauty!" Lee proclaimed.

"To Lee's vacation this year," Tenten muttered, "Which will give us all a much needed break from his youthfulness."

"To youthfulness, and eternal rivalry!" Gai bellowed, an arm slung around Kakashi.

"To Icha, Icha the Movie!" Ebisu roared. Genma nodded enthusiastically. "To adult fiction!"

"To Akamaru!" Kiba declared, "He's a man's best friend!"

"And what am I?" Shino scowled, "Chopped liver? To friendship! Why? Because it's precious!"

"To friendship!" Ino and Sakura approved.

"To friendship!" Izumo and Kotetsu chorused.

"To sake!" Tsunade put in, "And the way it makes the most dignified woman (and I'm not talking about me here) loose and randy as Jiraiya was (bless his soul)!"

"To sake!" Anko echoed.

"To Tonton," Shizune giggled, "Best pig ever!"

"T-to Naruto-kun's b-blue eyes!" Hinata stuttered.

"To the Hyuugas' white ones!" the junchuuriki returned the favor.

"To the Sharingan," Kakashi sniffled, "And dead teammates!"

"To dead teammates!"

"To dead teammates!"

"To allies!" Temari smiled at Shikamaru, "And lazy-ass boyfriends!"

"To dominating women," the Nara grinned, "Who're well worth the trouble."

"To the Sand, and the Leaf," Kankurou slurred, "And otoutos that can kick your ass," he added, kissing Gaara's forehead. The Kazekage gagged. "To breath mints, which my brother needs!"

"To hot guys," Karin laughed.

"Hell yeah!" Hana tittered.

"TO KILL!!"  
"Juugo, settle down!"

"To tearing the limbs off your enemies before beheading them!" Suigetsu crowed.

"To sexy women," Ibiki cackled.

"I'll drink to that!" Iruka hollered, winking at Anko who shot him a dirty look.

"To and amazing sempai," Yamato chuckled, "Who you can always count on to get you porn!"

"To dobe!" Sasuke called out.

"To Naruto," Chouji agreed.

"To the Rokudaime-to-be," Konohamaru shouted, "And the best boss ever!"

"To the Rokudaime!"  
"To the Rokudaime!"

Tsunade smiled a secret smile, and raised her sake cup for the umpteenth time. "To the Rokudaime!"

**-the gifts- **

"I can't decide!" Naruto wailed, "They're all awesome!"

"Pick one, dobe!" Sasuke urged.

Tsunade laid a hand on the blond's shoulder. "I think I can help you decide," she grinned, "Naruto, this is my gift to you: I'm retiring."

There was a collective gasp from everyone present as they realized the meaning of her words. Naruto frowned. "But how does that—oh. Oh! OH!"

Tsunade put the Hokage hat on the man's sun kissed head. "The initiating ceremony will take place next week, I'll train you till then. What do you think of that—Rokudaime-sama?"

"…YOU WIN!!"

Everyone laughed as Tsunade hime-sama, Legendary Sannin and Godaime Hokage to Konohagakure, struggled to pry her successor off of her body.

**-as they party some more- **

"Hey Sasuke!" the new Hokage said, finding his friend alone on their balcony, "What happened to you?"

The Uchiha shuffled his feet. "I thought you'd like my gift best," he mumbled bashfully.

Naruto punched his shoulder. "Is that what it is? You're _**jealous**_? Listen, Sasuke, Tsunade-obaa-chan may have given me the best gift today, but you give me the best gift ever, everyday."

The raven haired man raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Your friendship! Our _**bond,**_ teme, that defeats all space and time and blew away my loneliness and would be extremely kinky if one of us were gay!"

Sasuke scoffed. "You always play that card to cheer me up."

"How about this one then?" Naruto grinned widely, "I haven't used it in a while."

He jumped his best friend and tickled him blue in the face.

"Ahaha-ok! Ahaha…hahaha! Fine—I'm hehehehe…happy! STOP!!" Sasuke pleaded for mercy.

Naruto sat on his stomach, wearing a supremely satisfied look. "We're best friends, teme. For life."

"For real?"

"For real."

"Really really?"

Naruto laughed, and helped Sasuke up. "Really really, best friend," he said, hugging him.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Dut du du! El fin!

Yes, that means its over. Done with. Finished. Complete. And any more synonyms for 'I'm-not-going-to-update' you can think of. –waves- ja ne, see ya 'round!


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